Friday, July 26, 2013

On: The People from Our Pasts

I've been thinking a lot about my past. Maybe it's because children always make you reflect on life. Maybe it's because, I often wonder how I got to this place. How I made it to the person I am today. 

It would be a joke to think I'm here today solely on my own merits. 

I'm here, the person I am in the place I'm in, not only because, of who I am inside, but because, of the people who touched my life in the past. 

There have been dozens, maybe hundreds, possibly even thousands of people who have changed the course of my life, just by happenstance. However, I rarely think of them.

 Every once in a while, when major changes happen in my life, I find myself thinking about a girl I used to know. 

We'd grown up in the same town, went to the same high school, and participated in the same activities, but we weren't truly friends until after the thrill of graduation, and the realization that the friends we'd made in school weren't friends who could go the distance. 

After my first marriage deteriorated and I found out I was pregnant, she's the person who drove through the night with me from the bright lights of California to the towering trees and cloudy skies of Washington, to escape the unhealthy situation I'd found myself in. 

Two months later, she held my hand as my body fought to save a baby that didn't have a chance, and I lost my son to a medical mistake. 

She is the person who grabbed me by the heart and forced me to start living life again, when all I felt capable of doing was hiding in the dark and crying. 

 There are hundreds of photos of us together. Moments of our lives captured, frozen in time forever. I have them in a box in the closet. I can pull out a photo and remember the exact moment it was taken. A pretty neat trick considering most of the photos were taken while alcohol was flowing freely, and we weren't feeling any pain. 

During those times, my only plan was to live life without true emotion. To have fun, to smile, to have a good time, but to never dig too deeply into my heart, because that is where the darkness would overcome me. I drank to have fun, I drank to be fun, and I drank to hold off the memories of dreams I'd only begun to have. 

Our party days had to come to an end sometime, and that happened when I eventually opened my heart enough to let it heal. I got married to the Marine, moved to Hawaii, and life slowly began again. 

We maintained our friendship through several moves--from Hawaii to Virginia, but when I finally moved back to the same coast, back this time to California, things changed. 

She had her third child, a son, and I wasn't there for the birth. I hadn't been the first person to hear about the pregnancy, and I found out about the birth weeks after the fact. 

We never had a falling out, never had a blowup of any kind. We just got caught up with our own lives. I wish things could be different, but they're not. Life goes on, and some people aren't supposed to be there forever. Some people have a specific job to do, and once it is done, they move on. 

When I think of her, there is a tinge of sadness for the memories of long ago, but there is mostly happiness. 

Happiness, because of the life I have now. The choices she helped me make. The adventures we had that led me to where I was supposed to be. 

I only hope, I helped her as much as she helped me. 


Do you have someone from your past that you think fondly of? I'd love to hear the story.

Friday, July 19, 2013

On: A Letter to a Long Ago Friend

I was thinking about you today, and then pictures of your kiddos popped up on my newsfeed. As a person who hasn't ever particularly thought people's kiddos were cute, I've got to say, you and Andrew have made some gorgeous little ones.
I've missed talking to you, and wish that we could have stayed in better touch. I often wonder how it is that we managed to remain close the whole time we lived on opposite coasts, yet as soon as we're on the same coast our lives seemed to have taken us in different directions.
I realized today I no longer know what you do in your spare time or what interests you. The person who was with me through some of my most difficult experiences in life, I don't know anymore.
I'm sure you're just as amazing as you were then, but I find at times it feels like a piece of me disappeared when we stopped talking. 
I'm happy and healthy, and I have a great life. A life so much better than I ever expected it would be after losing G.
I gave birth to my son just under seven hours before G's ninth birthday. I like to believe one brother helped the other into the world.
I hope your life is as happy as mine, and that your dreams and goals are everything you wished them to be all those years ago.
Maybe someday, we'll be able to catch up again, because even though I've made new friends, great friends, there is always a place in my heart where you belong.


Friday, July 12, 2013


I've spent the last couple of days snuggled on the couch with Boy Wonder, working on posts for my various blogs, and watching CSI:NY on Netflix.

First it was Miami, now it's NY. I'm addicted.

Maybe there's a twelve step program I should look into.

A couple years ago I actually met Gary Senise when he and the Lt. Dan Band came to our base for a concert. He's actually a really nice guy who came off as being very quiet. After posing for the typical fan photo, he asked me to thank The Marine for his service to the country.

What are your favorite shows?

Friday, July 5, 2013

On: Reading, Re-evaluating, and Relaxing

As of tomorrow, Boy Wonder will be one month old. It's amazing how quickly they grow and change, and how quickly they grow and change us.

I'm reminded how important my goals, plans, and dreams are, because each and every one of them are for a better life for my little ones. I'm also reminded, daily, that things take time, and I need to be patient.

There are so many things I want to accomplish, and I'm anxious to get started.

 Anxious to get words on paper (or screen).

Anxious to get back to my pre-baby body, again. Hopefully this time it won't take me four years. It shouldn't since I'm only ten pounds shy of my pre-pregnancy weight and still have two weeks before the six week-get-off-my-butt-and-workout date of July 18. I've been doing what I can to start the process. Eating right, walking, and doing daily yoga.

Unfortunately, I'm still not getting as much sleep as I'd like, but that too will change in time.

So far, my routine doesn't involve as much of my goal oriented focus as I would like. Instead it is full of snuggling with my little man, catching up on all the reading I didn't have the mental focus for while I was pregnant, and taking it easy. These are all important things, and I cherish these little moments, because they won't last long. Boy Wonder won't always want to snuggle, or sleep curled up on me.

I have a tendency to stress myself out when I'm not moving toward a goal, so I spend a lot of time telling myself that each day, every snuggle, every nap, is getting me one step closer to where I want to be mentally, physically, and monetarily.

Not to mention, nothing makes me happier than snuggling with Boy Wonder and reading a good book while he softly snores.

Life isn't always simple, but when it is, it's important to enjoy the simplicity.