On Understanding True Love

What is True Love?

As an author I ask myself this every time I sit down to tell my characters' stories. The answer, at least for them, is pretty straight forward. In a well crafted story, the heroine will be emotionally strong, and the hero will not be an immature ass. They've got to be human enough to make mistakes, and their trip into love can't be without its ups and down.

The hero, or sometimes the heroine, will show their strength in the others' time of need. They'll show compassion and understanding for each other, and a willingness to do whatever it takes to keep the other happy and safe. Even if that means locking them in a basement, cuffed to the water heater. In all cases, there is an equal give and take, because even in fiction, a relationship can't work if it's unbalanced.

In order for characters to be loved by readers they need to have redeeming qualities, and I haven't met many people who would find a hero who cats around on his lady--or drops her like a bad habit, appealing. Even if he does realize the grass wasn't greener and comes back, metaphoric tail between his legs.

If the heroine takes him back, the readers will lose respect for her, and possibly put down the book. That's not True Love, that's romantic suicide.

Reality is much more complicated.

Love is a crazy and fickle thing. It can be amazing or horrible, but usually it falls somewhere in the middle. The Marine and I have been married for seven years, and I'm the first one to admit it hasn't all been perfect--though according to my therapist it's quite healthy and has every chance of thriving. We've had struggles, and we've made mistakes. We're still learning about each other, and trying to grow together rather than apart while we're separated.

Most of all, our love is real, because even when I feel like I'm running into a wall, and he'll never truly understand me, he helps me to be stronger. When I look at my future, he's the only one who is beside me. Since I've met him, he's the only one whose been there.

Of course, if the Marine hadn't had the characteristics of a hero when we met, or I'd felt insecure or like I was only half of a person, rather than a better, stronger, whole person, I never would have married him. No matter how well his dress blues fit him, and no matter how much I loved him.

Regardless if it's a book or real life, love is supposed to make you stronger. It's supposed to build you up, not break you down. It's suppose to heal your soul, and seal up your insecurities, not break you or make you wonder why you're not good enough.

True Love is strength no matter what. True Love means a deeper connection than hormones and great sex. (Don't get me wrong, those are also very important) True Love is knowing no matter what, you'll be supported, cherished and loved. When you find True Love, it won't come easy, but you won't doubt yourself either. You won't be sad all the time, and even when you're mad, you'll feel safer with them than anywhere else. 

Have you experienced True Love? If so, I'd love if you'd share your story.

R.S.

On Determining Your Reality

When I was much younger I married another much younger guy who I'd been dating throughout high school. Unsurprisingly, we stayed married for about as long as Jessica Simpson and Nic Lachey. What is surprising though, is regardless of all the things that were wrong with our marriage, and all the things that led me to file for divorce when I was barely old enough to legally drink--one of the most fundamental parts of my life, my belief system, came from him.

He and I used to go for long drives and talk about everything and nothing at all. One of the things he'd always say is, "Your focus determines your reality".

A decade later, and I still stand by those words.

Your focus really does determine your reality.

If you focus only on the negative things in life, you'll never see the positive results. If you only focus on what you can't do, you'll never discover what you can do. If you only focus on the unhappiness you feel, you'll never notice the things that bring you happiness.

My husband deploys for months at a time, and if I allowed myself to focus on that I'd sit around sad and depressed all the time. Instead, I focus my mind on other things. I lock my thoughts on the future, on the classes I'm taking, the jewelry I'm designing for my 'day job', on ideas for new short stories and novels (not to mention the actual writing and editing of these), and I pay special attention to the joy I get from the Munchkin.

   
I'm not claiming to never have bouts of depression and melancholy. That would be a lie. I'm just saying I don't let myself stay there.

When I find myself feeling particularly down, frustrated, or angry, I take a few deep breaths and focus on something else. Something positive.

Even if that something positive is that I managed to do another day of yoga, or my back hasn't gone out. Sometimes you just have to grab onto whatever little thing you can. Each day it gets easier to focus on the good and not the bad.

It also helps to have someone to bitch to about all the little annoyances in your life. However, and this is a big HOWEVER, once you've bitched, let it go. Move on and focus on those positive notes.

I want my reality to be bright and positive. Filled with love, and books, and amazing jewelry and crafts I've designed and created.

What will your reality hold?

R.S.