Immortalis
Genre: Y.A.
Word Count: Approx 40,000 words
The baby's hair was a soft smattering of auburn silk. Her tiny hand wrapped around his finger; held it in its grip, and he knew that he would live and die for her. There was no question about whether or not he would shirk his duty. Power ran through him, warm and fluid.
"She's your responsibility now" The mother gently placed the child in the man's arms. She reflected, with a heart heavy with love, that the man before her was hardly older than a child, but he was the one who would walk through life with her daughter. His Destiny was to accompany her child through every stage of her life. He was the Guardian of the greatest thing she'd ever done.
"She is mine." His eyes never left the child now sleeping in his arms. The connection was instantaneous. His power knew her, accepted her, covered her, and would protect her. It might be in him, but it belonged to the tiny child he held. "I will keep her safe. I accept my Destiny." A bright aura of blue surrounded them, and power sizzled through the air, sealing the pact. His eyes never left the face of the child, as he lightly traced her mouth with his thumb. "What is her name?"
"Deliah." The mother smiled, tired, but happy.
"Hello, Deliah. My name is Cian, and I give my life to you."
The mother reached for her husband's hand, twinning their fingers together. With a smile she looked atthe Guardian in front of them and relaxed back against the pillows of her hospital bed.
This is a beginning with a lot of promise-the birth of a child. It bugs me a bit that you switched from Dad's POV to Mom then back to Dad. That's a lot for 250 words. Also, with all that reflecting it seems someone could hint at what is to come. There must be some threat, right? It is SO hard in 250 words... )
ReplyDeleteHey there. Interesting concept. Ack, the font is so distracting! XD Sorry, small thing. Anyway:
ReplyDelete"There was no question about whether or not he would shirk his duty."
I'm wondering why this sentence is here, if there's no question. You've already made his devotion clear.
"She's your responsibility now" needs to be "She's your responsibility now." Make sure your grammar is squeaky-clean. ESPECIALLY but obviously not limited to the first page!
"She reflected, with a heart heavy with love, that the man before her was hardly older than a child, but he was the one who would walk through life with her daughter. His Destiny was to accompany her child through every stage of her life. He was the Guardian of the greatest thing she'd ever done."
Ooh, this feels an awful lot like telling. First of all, we don't need all this at once. We need an emotion and his duty. You can give that to us by saying the 'his Destiny' line and stating that she had a heavy heart. You definitely don't need 'she reflected.'
"The mother reached for her husband's hand, twinning their fingers together." *twining* their fingers together. Careful with the spelling.
Interesting beginning. I can see this being a really cool start to a fantasy or a paranormal. Best of luck!
Your writing style is poetic and the visual, devotion of the guardian well shown. The line "There was no question about whether or not he would shirk his duty." it almost reads he is going to shirk his duty.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very intriguing premise. I wonder why the child needs a guardian and what will happen next. At first I thought it was in an ancient time and then with the mention of the hospital bed it brought me to the present. Good luck! :D
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your comments and suggestions. I'll go back through and revise. :)
ReplyDelete